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The Life and Times of Grandpa Parm & Scheme-On

The Rex Streak

jimromewaltonJim Rome recently completed a 20-show streak of interviewing people named Rex. Funny as it sounds, it was actually a very intriguing and unique idea that spawned all kinds of new talking points for the nationally syndicated radio host. Whether it was the new coach of the New York Jets, Rex Ryan, or the senior wrestler at Michigan State, Rex Kendle, they were almost all good and informative interviews. Some notable names that were not sports-related were Rex Brown, bassist of Pantera, Rex Lee of Entourage, and Rex Walheim, NASA astronaut. Compelling doesn’t quite describe most of these interviews, but a few gems were definitely found amongst the duds.

Anyway, the point of this is to explain my admiration for Rome and the way he can turn an ordinary sports talk show into a forum for creative banter. If you have never listened to him, it is worth the time as he can inform you and make you laugh with ease. His knowledge of sports is unmatched and although he never talks about soccer and admits he doesn’t think it is a real sport, he will speak on any sport that he feels he can say something intelligent about. From horse racing to MMA, Rome’s analysis is heard by millions across the country every day. His following (the clones) relish the day when Rome lets them loose in “the jungle”, but if you don’t step your game up, he will banish you from the spotlight of jungle takes.

Jim is not afraid to get under some people’s skin either.

Check him out at jimrome.com

-Gramps

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March 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

L.T. to the Saints?

imagesI have never intentionally disagreed with Drew Brees on anything, not even when he chose to get paid and leave San Diego for New Orleans. How could I? He brought my beloved Bolts out of the hell of obscurity and helped build the platform for success that the Chargers currently reside on. Brees is also an incredibly likable guy who goes out of his way to work in the community and give back to the people who support him so much. Despite all this, he has taken a stand on the LaDanian Tomlinson contract dilemma, making me think twice about my loyalty to Brees.

San Diego’s main sports radio station, 1090 AM, interviewed Brees recently and the subject of Tomlinson’s contract impasse came up with a few notable quotes that I will link here, but not talk about as I have my own venting to do. Brees not only said he wants Tomlinson to end up a Saint, but he also had the nerve to say that one of the greatest running backs in NFL history should not take a pay cut in order to remain with the Chargers. Boooooo Brees!

Obviously, I know the quality of character and player that Tomlinson brings to any team as Charger fans across the world have been cherishing his greatness since 2001. Any team would be extremely lucky to have him as a starting running back. There in lies the problem. Without Tomlinson, the Chargers do not have a starting running back and if you think Sproles can carry it 30 times a game along with returning kicks, you’re insane. So, the fact remains that the Chargers need him strictly for personnel reasons and I do not want to see a second round draft pick become our starting running back when we already have one of the best in the game in LT.

Now, back to Brees and all his wisdom. Brees says LT shouldn’t take a pay cut if he wants to stay in San Diego, but that is the only way it is going to happen. Brees is right because a talented running back with Tomlinson’s credentials should not be given less money for any reason, and that just might be what ends the relationship with him and the Chargers. Despite the decreasing nature of LT’s numbers, when he is healthy, he looks willing and able to juke out defensive players with a style and ease that cannot be duplicated. Also, take into account the injuries that he has racked up the last two years and it is no wonder his numbers are down. Let’s just hope Tomlinson did not hear the interview for himself, or Charger fans may resent Brees a little.

Chargers GM A.J. Smith has supposedly given Tomlinson his final offer and according to LT’s mom, it just ain’t good enough. This is not surprising due to the hard-nosed nature of Smith and some of the things he says. But, something has to give here as even LT knows he can’t leave San Diego without winning a championship, and he sure as hell won’t do it in New Orleans any time soon, given the rising stars of some of the NFC’s elite teams. The Chargers have a lot to offer Tomlinson, like a good overall team, coaching staff, great fans and weather. What they can’t offer him is money and he may want some of that. According to ProFootballTalk.com’s Mike Florio, the new contract for LT has to be completed by March 30 which is when the players report for the voluntary offseason workout program.

Drew Brees will always be one of my favorite Chargers and NFL players in general, but he brought a few things to light in this interview that could be damaging for the hardest of hard-core Charger fans out there.

Please stay LT.

-Gramps

March 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

Sproles is a Tagger

45924_600w600hThe lovely Lightning Boltz have franchise tagged the little explosion that is Darren Sproles. He gets $6.5 mil and we all get to watch that darting blur of a running back breach opposing defenses for another year. Probably the most notable move the Chargers will make this offseason because nobody wanted to see him go. Igor Olshansky, Marques Harris and Malcolm Floyd are a couple of notable free agents but they don’t deserve the attention that this move for Sproles does, especially when it means we get LaDanian back as soon as he agrees to take a major pay cut. Imagine that, LaDanian will most likely make less than Darren Sproles next season meaning he will no longer be the highest paid running back on the Chargers.

Of course, Sproles’ deal comes with a few side effects that could be harmful to Bolts fans’ health, depending on which way you see it. As a non-exclusive franchise player, Sproles is allowed to negotiate a deal with any team out there. If he signs a deal though, the Chargers can either match the offer and keep him or they let him go and get two first round draft picks in return.

Obviously, a great deal for the Chargers whichever way it ends up but as a fan, you’d hate to see that guy get let go like Brees or Turner. If Sproles goes elsewhere, you got one hand where the Bolts receive the equivalent of gold for most NFL teams in two first round picks. On the other, Darrenito signs with Denver or some other shitty team and rips the Bolts for 450 yards. I cringe. Just sign him long-term and pray that we can draft a big bruising running back with the picks we already had. Yeah.

I guess the most exciting thing about next year is that we get to really see if LaDanian still has it and if he does, the combination with Sproles is going to make that offense unstoppable. Oooh.

So go buy that number 43 jersey and remember…if you’re not a Charger fan, then you don’t know pain.

-Gramps

February 20, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 1 Comment

Bock Obama: The Recently Inaugurated Beer of Choice

l_89b9fce380d40793c8fb6918729114e3Bar conversations are generally either one of two things: a serious convo in which two people partake in intellectual discourse while information is being exchanged, or a rumbling and incoherent gathering of words and phrases, most of which don’t make sense. In my experience, there is not much middle ground as any conversation not applicable to the definition stated above will be forgotten within minutes. Sometimes pure genius arises from these eloquent bar-talks, where you are enlightened by another or you find someone more interesting than the cute bartender. Other times nothing comes of it because the drinks became easier to drink and the distractions of flesh deterred your attention. My point is, that if we don’t look out for those stimulating conversations and intimate discussions that dive bars provide, then we have all failed to profit from our money-burning habit. How do you profit from drinking? You come up with amazing inventions and ideas that only a light buzz could provide.

On a special Monday night at the Tee-Off in which pure genius was encountered during a bar conversation comprising of nothing more than alcohol-influenced banter and a little bullshit, a light bulb in my buddy’s head turned on and produced a great idea. The idea was to open a brewery/bar/pub that names its microbrews after current and ex-presidents. The idea is unique and interesting, but is obviously extremely biased and only reflects the feelings of a small number of people and thus would alienate a ton of beer drinkers making it hard to sell in all places. A bit far-fetched, but a good idea nonetheless. Anyway, about three people not including myself sat around for an hour coming up with interesting names for beers. Some notables were… “Hillary Clinton: Extra Bitter”, “Bock: Obama”, “Bush’s Black Gold Porter”, “Gitmo Toture Ale” etc. Some day, when we choose to erase those party lines and realize that divisions only make progress harder, we will whip up these ales and everyone will enjoy a beer that mocks the history of the presidency while refreshing our palates all at the same time. Yummy.

-Gramps

January 28, 2009 Posted by | Bars, Life, Politicos | , , , | 2 Comments

Economy Shmonomy

bad-economy1

If I hear one more person use the phrase “…in this economy…” I may have to move to a place that doesn’t have all these economy issues.  A place like Mexico, where the economy is the least of their worries (see: drug war).  Although, you can kind of blame the Mexican Drug War on a poor economy so I guess I can’t move there. 

Maybe I’ll move to Ecuador: live off the land, raise some chickens and swim with the Turtles of the Galapagos Island.  And they even use the American Dollar so I won’t have to be confused by strange-colored currency with pictures of cool looking South American Presidents.  Oh, but even in the beautiful South American Country known for its exporting of Oil, the “bad economy” bug has stung and they’re even going so far as to try and create a new Super Currency (which I’m sure would kick the US’s currencies ass if given the chance).

So where does a discontented American go to escape the rigors of over-exhausted phrases about a depleting economy?  Oh I don’t know, how about a little place I like to call The Middle East.  I know what you’re thinking: “Yo J, ain’t that place in the midst of a war and shit?”  To which I would reply, “Yeah, so.” To which you would probably just walk away and think I was some sort of Jerkoff.

Now hear me out.  I know the place is in total disarray – and their government is so corrupt that Mexico is printing Public Service Announcements which say: The Mexican Government. We’re totally better than Iraq’s – but I bet you 5 bucks nobody is driving around in their Land Rover saying things like, “Yea, I’m heading over to the Bloomingdales sale.  What with this economy I got to hit up all the sales I can these days.” 

Nope.  Not in the Middle East.  They are Economy Cliché Free.  Just check out this recruitment letter from Able Fisher.  And if its real estate you’re after, look no further than beautiful Egypt and Jordan.  So if you need to get in touch with me I’ll be sipping strong coffee and dodging bullets somewhere near Dubai… or maybe Pakistan.

January 17, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

San Diego’s Pro Bowl Snubs

34946_282whMike Scifres is the unknown and insanely underrated punter for the Chargers who rocks braces and kicks 67-yards punts that devastate opposing offenses. He is well known for being second best to Shane Lechler, the Raiders punter, who has made four Pro Bowls and is consistently the only reason Scifres has yet to be chosen to play in Hawaii. Funny thing is, these dudes are homies, and they talk on the phone once a week while trading a professional respect that is only found amongst the most humble and true perfectionists of a craft. But, the fact remains that Scifres has owned the best net average for a punter for five years, the fewest returned punts, and most punts downed inside the 20-yard line but has never been chosen for the Pro Bowl. This is a greek tragedy never to be dramatized by Scifres because of his friendship and respect of his counterpart, Lechler, who I remind you plays for the Raiders. The numbers do speak though and Lechler has punted almost twice as much as Scifres this past year and so has stats that stand out a little more than Scifres. Is it justification for leaving what most people think is the best punter in the NFL off the list of Pro Bowlers? Nope. All it means is that San Diego players will forever be snubbed and disrespected because of the image and reputation of San Diego sports. The lack of championships, the fair-weather fans, and the weather all contribute to an image of “Sports is only cool if our team’s good, or the surf is bad”. Look at Philip Rivers, the NFL’s highest rated passer who threw more touchdown passes than any other quarterback except Drew “Cool” Brees and yet did not get picked for the Hawaiian all star game.  But Brett Favre was picked with his inferior passer rating, fewer touchdowns, and insane interception tally.  It’s a damn-freakin shame and I will speak up forever until my team gets the respect it deserves. But instead of digressing I want to continue to hype up Scifres as not only a guy I want punting for my team, but a guy I’d like to chill with and maybe catch a ‘veza or two and see if he can juggle a soccer ball the way he kicks oblong-shaped footballs. To get a glimpse of Scifres and all his realness click here for a post-game interview.

January 5, 2009 Posted by | Sports | , , , , | 1 Comment

Summer Heights High…

Summer Heights High…
HBO Original Genius Rages On
(Entertainment, Comedy, Television)

picture-1San Francisco, CA (12/31/08) – HBO always brings the heat when it comes to their original series & documentaries. From Entourage to Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sopranos to Flight of the Concords, Taxicab Confessions to The Wire, the shit is fucking impressive. In Fall 2008, their productions of pure genius continued with the debut of Summer Heights High, an award-winning Australian television mockumentary series written by and starring Chris Lilley. The series focuses on the high school lives of three absurd main characters, who might actually remind you of freaks from your own high school days: A sassy, flamboyant drama teacher (Mr. G); a controlling, self-absorbed teenage girl (Ja’mie); and a hopeless, disobedient student (Jonah), all played by the remarkable Chris Lilley. This concept of multiple character portrayals is nothing new, having been tackled by the likes of Ali G, Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, etc… but I have to say, Lilley takes the shit to a whole ‘nother level. His ability to completely embody the different characters down to the smallest detail makes you almost forget that you’re watching the same person. This combined with Lilley’s witty unpredictable talent and natural game (W.U. – T.A.N.G.) makes for an extremely entertaining half hour. In the age of horrendously scripted “reality” television and celebrity-obsessed media, it’s refreshing to know that there is still something worth paying your Comcast bill for.

Get HBO or Go Home
Scheme-On

January 1, 2009 Posted by | Comedy, Entertainment, Television | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

G -Nogg: Better Than Presents

It doesn’t take much to get yours truly in the holiday spirit, but I have encountered the perfect companion for anyone in need of holiday cheer. G – Nogg!! Named for the gangsta feeling you get when you sip the sweet blend of egg nog and brandy, this libation literally warns your stomach like you were packin’ heat. Not that I would recommend to anyone the idea of going Plaxico and actually taking a gun out in public, but you get the point. The drink itself can be found at any self-respecting residence in which drinking alcohol is commonplace and holiday cheer is plentiful. If you are unable to find a suitable residence for the consumption of Jah’s finest creation, I’m sure your local pub will hook it up. Peace, love and Jah bless. – Gramps

renown_brandy_vsop1

December 27, 2008 Posted by | Recreational Activities | , , , | 4 Comments

The Juice is no longer Loose!!

images-11OJ’s freedom has finally been stripped away by a Las Vegas judge who was not impressed by the Juice’s claim that he never intended to commit a crime when he barged into a Vegas hotel room with five men and a gun. Was it vindication for the 1995 acquittal that saw the Juice set loose after one of the most dramatic and notorious trials ever? Maybe, but nobody is ever gonna prove that the judge and jury were on a mission to put the Juice away. The fact remains that OJ did commit a crime and just about everyone I know is well aware that one cannot bust into somebody else’s residence armed and take stuff from said residence. It’s called robbery and you can bet that OJ knew what he was doing that day in Vegas.

According to ESPN, OJ’s sentence ranges from 9 – 33 years, with an apparent 5 years till he’s up for parole. Not quite a murder sentence but it has made some of the Goldman family and others happy to see him locked up for a while. The relatives of Ron Goldman, one of the murder victims in 1994, claimed their relentless pursuit of the $33.5 million that OJ owes them drove him to commit the robbery. The money has been owed since a 1997 verdict which found OJ liable for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

The guy really doesn’t deserve an ounce of sympathy especially when he tried to sell a book called, “If I did it”, a hypothetical story of the murders in his eyes as if he had really stabbed the two victims to death in 1994. Ridiculous as it sounds, this book almost hit the shelves. It seems like a miracle to me that somebody actually thought about it and stopped publishing the book while claiming to destroy 400,000 copies. Apparently, they got to about 399,998 cuz one copy was reviewed by Vanity Fair while another sold for $65,000 on eBay. You can’t make this shit up.

Personally, I adored the Juice as a football player and when I was 10 read an autobiography he wrote. In the book, he talks about growing up in the hood and getting into all kinds of trouble, so I wasn’t all that surprised when he became a murderer. Unfortunately, his status as role model and hero faded as he became the prime suspect in his ex-wife’s slaying. I am truly glad he received the sentence he was handed and hope he learns something from all this….that you can’t get away with murder robbery.

December 6, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Nonchalant Domination…

james2Nonchalant Domination…

The Importance of Finesse

(Style, Life, Sports)

 

San Diego, CA (11/29/08) – Now I don’t consider myself someone who possesses any exceptional talent or even someone with good style for that matter, but last night in Encinitas while sapping a non-alcoholic Tecate light (courtesy of Stamp’D LA – thanks barn) I managed to nonchalantly dominate Chris Stamp, Jerrell Wallace and this girl named Melly at high-stakes ping pong. We moved on to Goldschlager / cranberry and charades… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to the Saloon… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to D-Street… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to 4th meal Susan Stamp Thanksgiving leftovers… nonchalantly dominated. Next thing I knew I nonchalantly woke up extremely hungover and I nonchalantly epiphanized that in these troubled times of economic peril and unprecedented violence, finesse and nonchalant domination is what really matters. These qualities are absolutely critical to achieving success and respect as we move through life. According to a freakishly short drug-addict, woman beating, politically retarded, bankrupt black child star whose character name rhymes with fester, nonchalant domination can be defined as having an air of easy unconcern or indifference while exercising mastery, supremacy, preeminence or ruling power over another. Whether socially, professionally, in sports, or just in life, some feel that the end result is all that matters, but I would argue that the way in which an individual goes about achieving that end result makes all the difference. Individuals like Allan Iverson of the Detroit Pistons, Leon Washington of the New York Jets, Tom Penny of the skateboarding world; people like this are what make life worth living and sports worth watching. The ability to accomplish an extremely difficult task and look good doing it is a highly commendable quality and something we all should strive for in our own lives, because if you can’t exude a level of finesse and nonchalant domination in your craft, you might as well be Tim Duncan or George W. Bush.  

 

Get Nonchalant or Go Home

Scheme-On

November 30, 2008 Posted by | Life, Sports, Style | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments