Get Yours or Go Home…

The Life and Times of Grandpa Parm & Scheme-On


You and me hit by a touch of white evil
(Environment, Health)
picture-11I’m all for the douchebags who propose to their girlfriends with a huge heart and arrow in the sky, but when it comes down to breathing in toxic chemicals against my will, I draw the line at whip-its. I’ll booze on Marina rooftops acting like I used to be in a frat for Fleet Week, but as soon as you tell me that government officials are directing the release of biological agents for purposes of geoengineering or population control, I’m fucking outta there. So what am I talking about? Chemtrails my friends, chemtrails. Aerial trails allegedly caused by the systematic high-altitude release of chemical substances not found in common forms of aerial spraying such as crop dusting, cloud seeding or aerial firefighting. The existence of these so-called chemtrails has been repeatedly denied by federal agencies for over a decade, and at the moment is still considered a conspiracy theory. Reasons given by those who believe in the theory vary between military weapons testing, chemical population control, or measures to mitigate global warming, which are all sketchy to say the least. Supposedly chemtrails can be differentiated from normal exhaust streams if they persist in the sky for hours and/or produce grid-like patterns that eventually blend to form large government death clouds. Other features may include the presence of color or high concentrations of trails in a single area. I could see the theory about trying to mitigate global warming proving out, although it would be hard to believe that the government would deliberately poison it’s own civilians. But wait, how many fast food joints, liquor and gun stores did you see on your way to work today? Either way, the next time you’re laying in the grass, sucking down a whip-it and calling out pictures in the clouds, you might want to hold your breath; Beck could be on to something…

Get Chemtrailed or Go Home


January 31, 2009 Posted by | News | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bock Obama: The Recently Inaugurated Beer of Choice

l_89b9fce380d40793c8fb6918729114e3Bar conversations are generally either one of two things: a serious convo in which two people partake in intellectual discourse while information is being exchanged, or a rumbling and incoherent gathering of words and phrases, most of which don’t make sense. In my experience, there is not much middle ground as any conversation not applicable to the definition stated above will be forgotten within minutes. Sometimes pure genius arises from these eloquent bar-talks, where you are enlightened by another or you find someone more interesting than the cute bartender. Other times nothing comes of it because the drinks became easier to drink and the distractions of flesh deterred your attention. My point is, that if we don’t look out for those stimulating conversations and intimate discussions that dive bars provide, then we have all failed to profit from our money-burning habit. How do you profit from drinking? You come up with amazing inventions and ideas that only a light buzz could provide.

On a special Monday night at the Tee-Off in which pure genius was encountered during a bar conversation comprising of nothing more than alcohol-influenced banter and a little bullshit, a light bulb in my buddy’s head turned on and produced a great idea. The idea was to open a brewery/bar/pub that names its microbrews after current and ex-presidents. The idea is unique and interesting, but is obviously extremely biased and only reflects the feelings of a small number of people and thus would alienate a ton of beer drinkers making it hard to sell in all places. A bit far-fetched, but a good idea nonetheless. Anyway, about three people not including myself sat around for an hour coming up with interesting names for beers. Some notables were… “Hillary Clinton: Extra Bitter”, “Bock: Obama”, “Bush’s Black Gold Porter”, “Gitmo Toture Ale” etc. Some day, when we choose to erase those party lines and realize that divisions only make progress harder, we will whip up these ales and everyone will enjoy a beer that mocks the history of the presidency while refreshing our palates all at the same time. Yummy.


January 28, 2009 Posted by | Bars, Life, Politicos | , , , | 2 Comments

Economy Shmonomy


If I hear one more person use the phrase “…in this economy…” I may have to move to a place that doesn’t have all these economy issues.  A place like Mexico, where the economy is the least of their worries (see: drug war).  Although, you can kind of blame the Mexican Drug War on a poor economy so I guess I can’t move there. 

Maybe I’ll move to Ecuador: live off the land, raise some chickens and swim with the Turtles of the Galapagos Island.  And they even use the American Dollar so I won’t have to be confused by strange-colored currency with pictures of cool looking South American Presidents.  Oh, but even in the beautiful South American Country known for its exporting of Oil, the “bad economy” bug has stung and they’re even going so far as to try and create a new Super Currency (which I’m sure would kick the US’s currencies ass if given the chance).

So where does a discontented American go to escape the rigors of over-exhausted phrases about a depleting economy?  Oh I don’t know, how about a little place I like to call The Middle East.  I know what you’re thinking: “Yo J, ain’t that place in the midst of a war and shit?”  To which I would reply, “Yeah, so.” To which you would probably just walk away and think I was some sort of Jerkoff.

Now hear me out.  I know the place is in total disarray – and their government is so corrupt that Mexico is printing Public Service Announcements which say: The Mexican Government. We’re totally better than Iraq’s – but I bet you 5 bucks nobody is driving around in their Land Rover saying things like, “Yea, I’m heading over to the Bloomingdales sale.  What with this economy I got to hit up all the sales I can these days.” 

Nope.  Not in the Middle East.  They are Economy Cliché Free.  Just check out this recruitment letter from Able Fisher.  And if its real estate you’re after, look no further than beautiful Egypt and Jordan.  So if you need to get in touch with me I’ll be sipping strong coffee and dodging bullets somewhere near Dubai… or maybe Pakistan.

January 17, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

San Diego’s Pro Bowl Snubs

34946_282whMike Scifres is the unknown and insanely underrated punter for the Chargers who rocks braces and kicks 67-yards punts that devastate opposing offenses. He is well known for being second best to Shane Lechler, the Raiders punter, who has made four Pro Bowls and is consistently the only reason Scifres has yet to be chosen to play in Hawaii. Funny thing is, these dudes are homies, and they talk on the phone once a week while trading a professional respect that is only found amongst the most humble and true perfectionists of a craft. But, the fact remains that Scifres has owned the best net average for a punter for five years, the fewest returned punts, and most punts downed inside the 20-yard line but has never been chosen for the Pro Bowl. This is a greek tragedy never to be dramatized by Scifres because of his friendship and respect of his counterpart, Lechler, who I remind you plays for the Raiders. The numbers do speak though and Lechler has punted almost twice as much as Scifres this past year and so has stats that stand out a little more than Scifres. Is it justification for leaving what most people think is the best punter in the NFL off the list of Pro Bowlers? Nope. All it means is that San Diego players will forever be snubbed and disrespected because of the image and reputation of San Diego sports. The lack of championships, the fair-weather fans, and the weather all contribute to an image of “Sports is only cool if our team’s good, or the surf is bad”. Look at Philip Rivers, the NFL’s highest rated passer who threw more touchdown passes than any other quarterback except Drew “Cool” Brees and yet did not get picked for the Hawaiian all star game.  But Brett Favre was picked with his inferior passer rating, fewer touchdowns, and insane interception tally.  It’s a damn-freakin shame and I will speak up forever until my team gets the respect it deserves. But instead of digressing I want to continue to hype up Scifres as not only a guy I want punting for my team, but a guy I’d like to chill with and maybe catch a ‘veza or two and see if he can juggle a soccer ball the way he kicks oblong-shaped footballs. To get a glimpse of Scifres and all his realness click here for a post-game interview.

January 5, 2009 Posted by | Sports | , , , , | 1 Comment

Summer Heights High…

Summer Heights High…
HBO Original Genius Rages On
(Entertainment, Comedy, Television)

picture-1San Francisco, CA (12/31/08) – HBO always brings the heat when it comes to their original series & documentaries. From Entourage to Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sopranos to Flight of the Concords, Taxicab Confessions to The Wire, the shit is fucking impressive. In Fall 2008, their productions of pure genius continued with the debut of Summer Heights High, an award-winning Australian television mockumentary series written by and starring Chris Lilley. The series focuses on the high school lives of three absurd main characters, who might actually remind you of freaks from your own high school days: A sassy, flamboyant drama teacher (Mr. G); a controlling, self-absorbed teenage girl (Ja’mie); and a hopeless, disobedient student (Jonah), all played by the remarkable Chris Lilley. This concept of multiple character portrayals is nothing new, having been tackled by the likes of Ali G, Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, etc… but I have to say, Lilley takes the shit to a whole ‘nother level. His ability to completely embody the different characters down to the smallest detail makes you almost forget that you’re watching the same person. This combined with Lilley’s witty unpredictable talent and natural game (W.U. – T.A.N.G.) makes for an extremely entertaining half hour. In the age of horrendously scripted “reality” television and celebrity-obsessed media, it’s refreshing to know that there is still something worth paying your Comcast bill for.

Get HBO or Go Home

January 1, 2009 Posted by | Comedy, Entertainment, Television | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments