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The Life and Times of Grandpa Parm & Scheme-On

San Diego’s Pro Bowl Snubs

34946_282whMike Scifres is the unknown and insanely underrated punter for the Chargers who rocks braces and kicks 67-yards punts that devastate opposing offenses. He is well known for being second best to Shane Lechler, the Raiders punter, who has made four Pro Bowls and is consistently the only reason Scifres has yet to be chosen to play in Hawaii. Funny thing is, these dudes are homies, and they talk on the phone once a week while trading a professional respect that is only found amongst the most humble and true perfectionists of a craft. But, the fact remains that Scifres has owned the best net average for a punter for five years, the fewest returned punts, and most punts downed inside the 20-yard line but has never been chosen for the Pro Bowl. This is a greek tragedy never to be dramatized by Scifres because of his friendship and respect of his counterpart, Lechler, who I remind you plays for the Raiders. The numbers do speak though and Lechler has punted almost twice as much as Scifres this past year and so has stats that stand out a little more than Scifres. Is it justification for leaving what most people think is the best punter in the NFL off the list of Pro Bowlers? Nope. All it means is that San Diego players will forever be snubbed and disrespected because of the image and reputation of San Diego sports. The lack of championships, the fair-weather fans, and the weather all contribute to an image of “Sports is only cool if our team’s good, or the surf is bad”. Look at Philip Rivers, the NFL’s highest rated passer who threw more touchdown passes than any other quarterback except Drew “Cool” Brees and yet did not get picked for the Hawaiian all star game.  But Brett Favre was picked with his inferior passer rating, fewer touchdowns, and insane interception tally.  It’s a damn-freakin shame and I will speak up forever until my team gets the respect it deserves. But instead of digressing I want to continue to hype up Scifres as not only a guy I want punting for my team, but a guy I’d like to chill with and maybe catch a ‘veza or two and see if he can juggle a soccer ball the way he kicks oblong-shaped footballs. To get a glimpse of Scifres and all his realness click here for a post-game interview.


January 5, 2009 Posted by | Sports | , , , , | 1 Comment

The Juice is no longer Loose!!

images-11OJ’s freedom has finally been stripped away by a Las Vegas judge who was not impressed by the Juice’s claim that he never intended to commit a crime when he barged into a Vegas hotel room with five men and a gun. Was it vindication for the 1995 acquittal that saw the Juice set loose after one of the most dramatic and notorious trials ever? Maybe, but nobody is ever gonna prove that the judge and jury were on a mission to put the Juice away. The fact remains that OJ did commit a crime and just about everyone I know is well aware that one cannot bust into somebody else’s residence armed and take stuff from said residence. It’s called robbery and you can bet that OJ knew what he was doing that day in Vegas.

According to ESPN, OJ’s sentence ranges from 9 – 33 years, with an apparent 5 years till he’s up for parole. Not quite a murder sentence but it has made some of the Goldman family and others happy to see him locked up for a while. The relatives of Ron Goldman, one of the murder victims in 1994, claimed their relentless pursuit of the $33.5 million that OJ owes them drove him to commit the robbery. The money has been owed since a 1997 verdict which found OJ liable for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

The guy really doesn’t deserve an ounce of sympathy especially when he tried to sell a book called, “If I did it”, a hypothetical story of the murders in his eyes as if he had really stabbed the two victims to death in 1994. Ridiculous as it sounds, this book almost hit the shelves. It seems like a miracle to me that somebody actually thought about it and stopped publishing the book while claiming to destroy 400,000 copies. Apparently, they got to about 399,998 cuz one copy was reviewed by Vanity Fair while another sold for $65,000 on eBay. You can’t make this shit up.

Personally, I adored the Juice as a football player and when I was 10 read an autobiography he wrote. In the book, he talks about growing up in the hood and getting into all kinds of trouble, so I wasn’t all that surprised when he became a murderer. Unfortunately, his status as role model and hero faded as he became the prime suspect in his ex-wife’s slaying. I am truly glad he received the sentence he was handed and hope he learns something from all this….that you can’t get away with murder robbery.

December 6, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Nonchalant Domination…

james2Nonchalant Domination…

The Importance of Finesse

(Style, Life, Sports)


San Diego, CA (11/29/08) – Now I don’t consider myself someone who possesses any exceptional talent or even someone with good style for that matter, but last night in Encinitas while sapping a non-alcoholic Tecate light (courtesy of Stamp’D LA – thanks barn) I managed to nonchalantly dominate Chris Stamp, Jerrell Wallace and this girl named Melly at high-stakes ping pong. We moved on to Goldschlager / cranberry and charades… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to the Saloon… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to D-Street… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to 4th meal Susan Stamp Thanksgiving leftovers… nonchalantly dominated. Next thing I knew I nonchalantly woke up extremely hungover and I nonchalantly epiphanized that in these troubled times of economic peril and unprecedented violence, finesse and nonchalant domination is what really matters. These qualities are absolutely critical to achieving success and respect as we move through life. According to a freakishly short drug-addict, woman beating, politically retarded, bankrupt black child star whose character name rhymes with fester, nonchalant domination can be defined as having an air of easy unconcern or indifference while exercising mastery, supremacy, preeminence or ruling power over another. Whether socially, professionally, in sports, or just in life, some feel that the end result is all that matters, but I would argue that the way in which an individual goes about achieving that end result makes all the difference. Individuals like Allan Iverson of the Detroit Pistons, Leon Washington of the New York Jets, Tom Penny of the skateboarding world; people like this are what make life worth living and sports worth watching. The ability to accomplish an extremely difficult task and look good doing it is a highly commendable quality and something we all should strive for in our own lives, because if you can’t exude a level of finesse and nonchalant domination in your craft, you might as well be Tim Duncan or George W. Bush.  


Get Nonchalant or Go Home


November 30, 2008 Posted by | Life, Sports, Style | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Wembley Stadium: A Big Stadium

The edifice actually holds up to ninety thousand people officially. Wembley might not be the biggest stadium in the world, but it reeks of history and prestige. It is the home of the English National Football Team, the FA Cup final, the Community Shield final (formerly the Charity Shield), and now of course, the National Football League.

In 2007, The New York VaGiants beat the Miami Dolphins in a muddy contest that did not provide the entertainment the NFL is so commonly known for. This year the San Diego Chargers take on the New Orleans Saints in what may be another muddy game only this time, there’s a good chance for entertainment. The muddy and soft state of the ground was not known to Wembley Stadium before its reconstruction and mars its new beginning. Since the stadium reopened in March of 2007, it has been the subject of critical remarks about the state of the pitch. Some blame the pitch for the English National Team’s failure to qualify for Euro 2008, a huge disappointment by England’s standards. Despite the conditions of the turf, the English fans of the NFL were quick to purchase tickets for the upcoming game as the first forty thousand tickets were sold in the first ninety minutes. Let’s all hope the product on the field makes it worth their journey.

Post Script: A thirteen year old boy known as yours truly was in attendance for the 1995 Charity Shield final when Everton edged out a 1 – 0 victory over the Rovers of Blackburn. A memory never to be forgotten.


October 26, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If Only San Diego Had a Good Brees

I know many people have debated the value of Drew Brees at the time of his signing with the New Orleans Saints, but has anybody thought about the amount of success he could have had with the soon – to – be – elite Chargers? Thinking about that puts a smile on my face and I’m sure there’s allotta people out there feeling the same way. He was our man and he earned our trust as Charger fans, but we let him go. A wise person can relate to how the Chargers, back in ’06, sent Brees down south ‘cuz the Bolts didn’t wanna guarantee him a dime after having shoulder surgery that offseason. A smart man will also see that the guy has been worth much more than a dime since then. And what about Phillip Rivers you ask? I’ve always supported Rivers ‘cuz he’s all I got, but that does not mean I ever turned my back on “Hurricane” Drew. I’ve watched him from afar throw touchdown after touchdown wearing gold and black wishing he’d never left San Diego. The only reason I know this is because the Bolts became a true AFC powerhouse the following year, going 14 – 2 and pretty much dominated every team they faced, and Drew stepped up to take his team to the NFC Championship. Despite the fact that we earned a bye that year and were picked to win the Super Bowl, the Bolts succumbed to the New England Patritos exposing an inferior leader at quarterback. These are two signs telling us that success was inevitable had there not been a divorce. I bet Brees watched every second of that game and most of the previous ones wiping his tears with crisp Benjamins. Drew, you would have won that game by two touchdowns because you don’t fear good teams and you don’t look like a teenager when you throw a football. “Cool” Brees would have probably won two titles by now, but I don’t want to act like hindsight’s a bitch. The Chargers have enjoyed playoff football three out of the last four years and have many fingers to point when asking why they haven’t won the whole thing. I spent twenty years(minus my infant years when I am sure I didn’t care) wondering if the Chargers would ever sustain a decent run and it has happened for the most part (no super bowl). As you can see life as a Charger fan is bittersweet. My favorite quarterback is in New Orleans on a team that is pretty good, but my Chargers are already pretty good and just need to act like it. Together they could have been so much. Oh well.

October 15, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , | 2 Comments

Kerouac, Lopan, Murs and the Wildcat Offense

I love reading Jack Kerouac for the simple reason that he doesn’t use traditional writing methods to convey thoughts. His stream of consciousness style along with the fact that the guys was sober for about 2 hours a day make his books some of the most interesting reads to this day. The beats live on.

The day that I can watch “Big Trouble in Little China” and not want to cruise the alleys of Chinatown looking for the Lords of Death is the day I have lost all reason to live. I still have voices in my head telling me that the Wing Kong Exchange actually exists and that Gracie Law is still in her late twenties looking for David Lopan. It may be true that Chinese black magic does not exist, but in my world, I’d rather believe that it does. Sorcery, magic, and the reality that “his flesh and bones become atomized and he becomes a dream.” That’s what I’m all about.

Murs dropped a great new album called, “Murs for President” and here is my thoughts on it… I think it is pretty much a collection of bangers with a few droplets of pop/mainstream bullshit mixed in. Something I did not realize when purchasing this album, is that Warner Bros. released it, officially dropping Murs from the high ranks of the “Underground” and elevating him to “MTV” status. I really don’t care anymore. I don’t watch MTV and I encourage anybody not to. I also do not talk about the “Underground” scene as anything more than a historic time period where hip hop was celebrated without any outside distractions. These days nobody is truly “Underground”, but they can be “Independent” or “Mainstream” and still be respected by any music lover. The lines have been blurred and so Murs felt the need to make his music more accessible to the world and I will not judge him for it. There was a time when I would get all Lopan on you if you tried to call a hip hop group “underground” when they were on a major label and had a video out. Now a days, I just don’t care.

The stupid “Wildcat” offense that the Miami Dolphins have used to embarrass the two teams that met in last year’s AFC Championship game is actually fun to watch. It just so happens that they made my Chargers look like a bunch of teenage girls at a high school field hockey game and I am not happy about it. I enjoy watching different formations, clever play calls, and unique running plays that catch traditional defenses off guard, but not against my team. The only solace I got from last weekend’s horrendous game in Miami is that Roger Goodell fined Ronnie Brown for orchestrating that stupid “Cupid” dance he performed after scoring off a “Wildcat” run. Whoever thought that dance would be a hit was right I guess, but it looks pretty damn stupid to me.

Renting and venting from the bay where Blue Angels fly and people apparently like to kill themselves.


October 12, 2008 Posted by | Film, Life, Music, Sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Football Fury

I’ve been trying to control my urge to write about football each and every day, but something tells me that if I hold in all my urges, someday I will be smitten. Hence, I write about the oblong shaped ball or object, and how it is possible to have such a unique item affect one’s life.

Here it goes:

Pacman got into a fight with a Dallas Cowboy-owned security guard who was apparently hired to watch (babysit) Jones. The scuffle is soon to be headline news in what has become the most dramatic career of a NFL player since I have been born (1981). It is hardly surprising that someone with his lack of giving a fuck could ignore his probationary measures and risk his NFL status once again. Good luck buddy.

How ’bout them Chargers? They look like a bunch of Folsom Street Fair – going, chap – wearing, gender-neutral people waiting for lightning to strike them. There is no charge in this team. The only thing keeping me going is knowing they still have the same players that got us to that AFC Championship game last year, so they can’t be complete losers. You know that the original logo for the Chargers was a horse and right now that is fitting cuz the bolts look like Barbaro at Preakness.

Good luck bolts.

God, that felt really, really good.

Here’s to TO whining and giving thanks to god, bad teams winning something, and cheerleaders. Peace, love and football.


October 9, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Do I Really Care About Football?

The answer is yes, very much yes. I have to admit though, I am truly not the fan that some people in this country are (see photo to left). Apparently, some folks up there in Green Bay, Wisconsin feel that football is truly a sacred part of their lives and that anyone who betrays another in this precious game should be smitten to hell. When I first started pondering why some football fans are absolutely insane, the answer seemed simple. Geography. I mean, what else are you gonna do in Pittsburgh or Green Bay? Go play in the snow while its ten below? Go to a Pirates or Brewers game? I’m sure a lot of people actually do the latter, but you get the point. These are cities in states that are boring and don’t have a whole lot going on besides football and bad weather. You ever been to a Chargers game? Sometimes there’s more fans for the opposing team than for the San Diego team. Why? Because everyone is at the beach or a pool lounging around drinking beer and playing ping pong waiting for reality to strike them. It is no coincidence why San Diego fans are some of weakest in the game. Packer fans travel everywhere with their team and I give them props for it, but easy on the “God won’t leave for the Jets” shit, cuz that is way outta hand. How about Raider fans? F-ing stupid. I didn’t realize it until recently, but a lot of people don’t like the Raiders simply cuz of their retarded fans, and I don’t blame them. Wait for Halloween to dress up as a pirate from the movie, Gladiator. Come on. I digress. Fans are truly the reason some sports get so much hype and I am all for that. Tattoos and fights and masks and face painting. It’s all great fun. Speaking of tattoos, back in January, Propaganda Tattoo held a free “bolt” tattoo day for any die hard Charger fan that needs a bolt imbedded into their skin with ink. Awesome. Anyway, football is here my friends and we should all just sit back and enjoy since this is the greatest five months of every year.


September 3, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Thoughts on Shawne Merriman

Shawne Merriman and Hugh's Kendra

Shawne Merriman and Kendra Wilkinson

As one of the most feared outside linebackers in the world, 3-time pro-bowler Shawne Merriman is foregoing major knee surgery to play a season of football and risk his future as an NFL player to pursue dreams of Super Bowl glory. Personally, I love the passion and selflessness of the decision, but it does not mean that I cannot question it. As a former athlete and true competitor, I am well aware of the horrors of sitting on the sideline wishing you could help your team win. It truly sucks butt and I would do anything to avoid it. As a fairly practical and logical human being, I do not see the reward being truly worth the risk, when the risk means the termination of your career. If it were just about money, I would understand, but this injury could keep him outside the lines for good. Speaking of money, in 2010, Merriman will be a free agent and free to take a job from the highest bidder. This makes things very interesting because if he had decided to have surgery now, he would be well on his way to one hundred percent by the time the 2009 season starts. With a healthy knee and a year of rest under him, Merriman would be able to play his balls off and get top dollar from any team the following year. A lot of players actually choose this route to ensure their financial future by signing a big contract following a good year. Shawne Merriman has instead decided to have surgery following the ’08 football season, which means with an estimated 9 months of rehab, his knee would be ready to go right around the second month of the 2009 season, whether or not he won a Super Bowl. Given his knee is perfect by then, he will have missed at least 4 games and have to settle for numbers from only 12 games in a contract year. This situation is not attractive to anyone, but the fact that Merriman is putting it all on the line for ’08 speaks volumes of his dedication and his recklessness. One cannot describe the motivation and inspiration for making such an important decision. I wish him all the best and cannot wait to see what unfolds as I will be watching every Sunday to support him and the team. Bolts!!


August 31, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , | 1 Comment