Get Yours or Go Home…

The Life and Times of Grandpa Parm & Scheme-On

The Juice is no longer Loose!!

images-11OJ’s freedom has finally been stripped away by a Las Vegas judge who was not impressed by the Juice’s claim that he never intended to commit a crime when he barged into a Vegas hotel room with five men and a gun. Was it vindication for the 1995 acquittal that saw the Juice set loose after one of the most dramatic and notorious trials ever? Maybe, but nobody is ever gonna prove that the judge and jury were on a mission to put the Juice away. The fact remains that OJ did commit a crime and just about everyone I know is well aware that one cannot bust into somebody else’s residence armed and take stuff from said residence. It’s called robbery and you can bet that OJ knew what he was doing that day in Vegas.

According to ESPN, OJ’s sentence ranges from 9 – 33 years, with an apparent 5 years till he’s up for parole. Not quite a murder sentence but it has made some of the Goldman family and others happy to see him locked up for a while. The relatives of Ron Goldman, one of the murder victims in 1994, claimed their relentless pursuit of the $33.5 million that OJ owes them drove him to commit the robbery. The money has been owed since a 1997 verdict which found OJ liable for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

The guy really doesn’t deserve an ounce of sympathy especially when he tried to sell a book called, “If I did it”, a hypothetical story of the murders in his eyes as if he had really stabbed the two victims to death in 1994. Ridiculous as it sounds, this book almost hit the shelves. It seems like a miracle to me that somebody actually thought about it and stopped publishing the book while claiming to destroy 400,000 copies. Apparently, they got to about 399,998 cuz one copy was reviewed by Vanity Fair while another sold for $65,000 on eBay. You can’t make this shit up.

Personally, I adored the Juice as a football player and when I was 10 read an autobiography he wrote. In the book, he talks about growing up in the hood and getting into all kinds of trouble, so I wasn’t all that surprised when he became a murderer. Unfortunately, his status as role model and hero faded as he became the prime suspect in his ex-wife’s slaying. I am truly glad he received the sentence he was handed and hope he learns something from all this….that you can’t get away with murder robbery.


December 6, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Nonchalant Domination…

james2Nonchalant Domination…

The Importance of Finesse

(Style, Life, Sports)


San Diego, CA (11/29/08) – Now I don’t consider myself someone who possesses any exceptional talent or even someone with good style for that matter, but last night in Encinitas while sapping a non-alcoholic Tecate light (courtesy of Stamp’D LA – thanks barn) I managed to nonchalantly dominate Chris Stamp, Jerrell Wallace and this girl named Melly at high-stakes ping pong. We moved on to Goldschlager / cranberry and charades… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to the Saloon… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to D-Street… nonchalantly dominated. We moved on to 4th meal Susan Stamp Thanksgiving leftovers… nonchalantly dominated. Next thing I knew I nonchalantly woke up extremely hungover and I nonchalantly epiphanized that in these troubled times of economic peril and unprecedented violence, finesse and nonchalant domination is what really matters. These qualities are absolutely critical to achieving success and respect as we move through life. According to a freakishly short drug-addict, woman beating, politically retarded, bankrupt black child star whose character name rhymes with fester, nonchalant domination can be defined as having an air of easy unconcern or indifference while exercising mastery, supremacy, preeminence or ruling power over another. Whether socially, professionally, in sports, or just in life, some feel that the end result is all that matters, but I would argue that the way in which an individual goes about achieving that end result makes all the difference. Individuals like Allan Iverson of the Detroit Pistons, Leon Washington of the New York Jets, Tom Penny of the skateboarding world; people like this are what make life worth living and sports worth watching. The ability to accomplish an extremely difficult task and look good doing it is a highly commendable quality and something we all should strive for in our own lives, because if you can’t exude a level of finesse and nonchalant domination in your craft, you might as well be Tim Duncan or George W. Bush.  


Get Nonchalant or Go Home


November 30, 2008 Posted by | Life, Sports, Style | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The One-Man Band…

The One-Man Band…
Independent Mastermind or Anti-Social Scumbag???
(Music, Life)

picture-15San Francisco, CA, 11/15/08 – So last night I wandered into this little black hole of a concert room at Hemlock Tavern, through the pieces of industrial car wash plastic to find what sounded like an extremely sloppy Wolfmother-type band. I couldn’t fully see the stage, only the top of the singer’s head, so pushed my way closer to try and spot the drummer and to my surprise realized that this band was not a band at all. It was one super exhausted dude, pounding Pabst Blue Ribbon, wailing on a guitar, screaming into a mic, with his right foot on a bass drum and left foot on a high hat… it was awesome. Witnessing this demonstration of musical multi-tasking made me start thinking about how one makes the decision to start a one-man band. What’s the natural progression? Do these people usually start off in a normal band then end up going rogue, or are they just hardcore one-man banders from birth? What’s the motivation? What type of individual has the passion to take on what a group of 3-5 people generally do? Are they just independent musical masterminds with exceptional creativity and talent, or are they anti-social panhandling scumbags who are so awkward and annoying that they can’t even find 3-5 other people who want to be in a band with them? There are plenty of solo artists out there, but this shit’s on a whole ‘nother level. You have to give them props for their talent though, I mean I can barely pat my head and rub my belly at the same time let alone play 5 instruments simultaneously and sing. The closest I can get to multi-tasking is drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette at the same time, and shit, I’ve even had trouble with that. That being said, I leave you with this quote from Joe Barrick’s one-man band webpage:

“The one-man band exists, in all its uniqueness and independence, as a most elusive yet persistent musical tradition.  As a category of musicianship it transcends cultural and geographic boundaries, spans stylistic limits, and defies conventional notions of technique and instrumentation.  Defined simply as a single musician playing more than one instrument at the same time, it is an ensemble limited only by the mechanical capabilities and imaginative inventiveness of its creator, and despite its generally accepted status as an isolated novelty, it is a phenomenon with some identifiable historical continuity.”

Get Independent or Go Home…

November 16, 2008 Posted by | Life, Music | , , , , | 4 Comments

Reggae Review – Fallen Stars

Jah Fire

Jah Fire

Hugh Mundell has long been one of my favorite voices in roots reggae and his music is still beloved by the irie masses. It was his neighbor who introduced him to reggae, and at age thirteen helped Mundell record his first song. At the delicate age of sixteen, he recorded what has become a timeless classic in, “Africa must be free by 1983”, writing the lyrics as well as the music. This album was released in 1978 and became an instant classic earning five stars from Rolling Stone magazine. Unfortunately for all of us who enjoy his music, Hugh Mundell was shot to death in 1983 driving around Kingston, JA with Junior Reid. He was twenty one.

644The album “Jah Fire”, pictured above is produced by Prince Jammy and features Lacksley Castell, a friend and colleague of Mundell who shares a similar voice and singing style. Castell was helped along by his good friend Mundell, and made a name for himself by releasing two amazing solo albums and singing backup for Sugar Minott’s famously-known, “Black Roots” album. Lacksley Castell’s “Morning Glory” tells tales of leaving women, meeting women and being a traveler unbeknownst to his women. His voice is unlike all others (with the exception of Mundell) and of course with a flourishing career ahead of him, he passed away in the prime of his life. He was also twenty one.

2113Jacob “The Killer” Miller is easily one of the most recognizable figures in roots reggae. His voice is literally one of a kind and his stage presence is unlike any reggae star out there. His 1977 album, “Killer Miller” contains many of his well-known anthems and gives his short career tons of validation. Not only does his physical presence require attention, but his lyrics were deep and honest while his energy never ceased. One thing that did cease was Miller’s beating heart as he was killed at age twenty seven in a tragic car accident in 1980. Just before his death, Miller had signed an international record deal and was to tour with Bob Marley before fate took its course. The uncle of Maxi Priest and an icon of roots reggae, Jacob Miller, will never be forgotten.

These gentlemen all died young and left us wondering what could have been. Their gifts to the world through music will forever be cherished and heard. Whether it was a tragic accident or a result of growing up in a dangerous environment, these artists died with dignity and should be respected for that.


November 14, 2008 Posted by | Music | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ghostland Observatory…

Ghostland Observatory…
Gods of Electro-Rock
(Music, Concerts)

San Francisco, CA, 11/1/08 – The first time my ears were blessed with this shit was sometime around the beginning of 2008 after stumbling upon someone’s MySpace page with a song called “Sad Sad City” on auto-play. Instantly hooked like DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries, I began playing the shit out, then randomly this dude Greg I work with mentioned that Ghostland Observatory was playing at the Mezzanine in SF… it was on. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but from the moment the first beat was dropped the motherfuckers were electric. You know how some bands are just ridiculously sic slash insane when you see them live? This is one of them. Part of it is the impressive light shows, part of it is the extremely unique and upbeat tracks, but the main element making these displays of electric excellence so awesome is the energy from front man Aaron Behrens. With his eccentric steez, intense dance moves, aviators and pigtails, it’s not humanly possible to stand still. The second half of the Austin based duo is Thomas Ross Turner, who often wears a cape onstage, and plays the drums or synthesizer. The band describes their sound as “A robot making love to a tree,” which I guess makes sense, but you really have to experience it for yourself to even attempt to figure it out. Ghostland followers run the gamut of live music aficionados, but overall it’s a young crowd that is ready to get hype and rage. The laser shows and electronic undertones make for a rave-esque atmosphere, which brings out a handful of wide-eyed teenagers who’s jaws will endure some damage before the night is done, but bottom line it’s a rock show, so really it’s just pure energy from start to finish. I’ve been lucky enough to catch them twice in SF and I’m just waiting for the next opportunity to get weird. If you have a chance to check them out it’s highly recommended, and whether you end up enjoying it or not, I promise you will never forget it. Turns out last night for Halloween Gramps and I dressed up as Ghostland and didn’t even know it! While Gramps may not have realized he was Behrens and while I may not have realized I was Turner, we definitely rocked it as hard…

Get Weird or Go Home…

November 2, 2008 Posted by | Concerts, Music | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Wembley Stadium: A Big Stadium

The edifice actually holds up to ninety thousand people officially. Wembley might not be the biggest stadium in the world, but it reeks of history and prestige. It is the home of the English National Football Team, the FA Cup final, the Community Shield final (formerly the Charity Shield), and now of course, the National Football League.

In 2007, The New York VaGiants beat the Miami Dolphins in a muddy contest that did not provide the entertainment the NFL is so commonly known for. This year the San Diego Chargers take on the New Orleans Saints in what may be another muddy game only this time, there’s a good chance for entertainment. The muddy and soft state of the ground was not known to Wembley Stadium before its reconstruction and mars its new beginning. Since the stadium reopened in March of 2007, it has been the subject of critical remarks about the state of the pitch. Some blame the pitch for the English National Team’s failure to qualify for Euro 2008, a huge disappointment by England’s standards. Despite the conditions of the turf, the English fans of the NFL were quick to purchase tickets for the upcoming game as the first forty thousand tickets were sold in the first ninety minutes. Let’s all hope the product on the field makes it worth their journey.

Post Script: A thirteen year old boy known as yours truly was in attendance for the 1995 Charity Shield final when Everton edged out a 1 – 0 victory over the Rovers of Blackburn. A memory never to be forgotten.


October 26, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacchus Kirk…

Bacchus Kirk…
Apex of a Plastered Universe
(Nightlife, Bars, Life)

San Francisco, CA, 10/18/08 – Have you ever been to a bar where everyone is so ridiculously shitfaced that it feels like you’re in some sort of alternate universe? Well if not, stop by Bacchus Kirk on Bush & Taylor in SF and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. “Bacchus” refers to the Greek god of wine and intoxication and “Kirk” refers to a church or Lord’s house. Strangely fitting, Bacchus was also known as the Liberator, freeing one from one’s normal self, by madness, ecstasy, or wine, and the frenzy he induces, known as “bakcheia”, which happened to be in full effect last night. It started out as a normal evening; I met Gramps to shoot some pool and there was this group of haggard Danish dudes who had been boozing all day at the Red Bull soap box races, one of which wrote his name on the white board for pool and it looked like chicken scratch from a 5 year old doctor. Nonetheless, everything was pretty standard until a group of about 25 socialites coming from a bowling alley wedding reception showed up and all hell broke loose. The place instantly turned into a sloppy old person dance party which was actually pretty entertaining, until I noticed one of the freaks watching us play pool and rolling her eyes like she was watching a bunch of mentally challenged toddlers trying to do quantum physics. We made eye contact and I gave her a little nod like “What the fuck’s your problem?” and she automatically came over and proceeded to tell me that this was the most pathetic game of pool she’s ever witnessed. In so many words I told her to fuck off and get over herself and continued with my game. A couple minutes later another tore-back individual, who was wearing a Bill Clinton mask for whatever reason, was dancing wildly and unknowingly knocked over the devil woman’s full glass of chardonnay and continued on with his embarrassing charade, which was absolutely awesome. Devil woman proceeded to flip out and Bill Clinton’s friend bought her a new glass of wine to calm her down. The pompous bitch then decided to skip about 3 people in line for pool and began playing against this cool little skater chick. I noticed this about half way through, called her out on it, we bickered back and fourth for a few minutes then she continued with her subpar performance, all while exuding pool snob retardedness. The skater chick ended up scratching on the eight ball and devil woman made some comment like, “Don’t you think it’s fitting that I won?” and the skater chick’s friend came up and gave the Asian pool Nazi a nice elbow to the back. At this point shit started to go down. Half the bar’s hammered patrons were trying to break up the bullshit and calm the bitch down, all while she was screaming that she was a lawyer and the girl was going to jail, etc, etc… Eventually the bartender kicked the barnacle out, but she proceeded to call the cops in an attempt to press charges. All in all 6 cops showed up and while eavesdropping on the Nazi’s side of the story I felt the need to get involved, so I dropped some knowledge to the pigs and they agreed that the pompous bitch was retarded and that they were completely wasting their time. Bottom line, if you hate life that much, you should just stay inside your apartment watching Requiem for a Dream on repeat, drowning in your own bitterness and depression, because all you’re doing when you go out is spreading negative energy and making yourself look like a douche bag. After that, the drama may have been over, but the “bakcheia” was only getting started as the drinks continued to flow. From the Clinton masks, to the guy/girl (not sure) dressed up like a geisha, to the dude in a kilt and the blacked-out Danish air guitarist who looked like Peanut and told me about Scottish sheepherders who eat corn with sheep’s blood, to the barney that wiped off a whole white board of pool players to plan out his jukebox playlist, to the overweight guy confessing in detail his desire to screw all the older women in the bar, something about this place just makes people loop the fuck out. I don’t know if the planets align when you walk through the front door, if there’s something getting pumped through the vents or being put in the drinks, or if it’s the work of a Greek god, but whatever it is… Bacchus Kirk is fucking awesome!

Get Bacchused or Go Home…

October 20, 2008 Posted by | Bars, Life, Nightlife | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

If Only San Diego Had a Good Brees

I know many people have debated the value of Drew Brees at the time of his signing with the New Orleans Saints, but has anybody thought about the amount of success he could have had with the soon – to – be – elite Chargers? Thinking about that puts a smile on my face and I’m sure there’s allotta people out there feeling the same way. He was our man and he earned our trust as Charger fans, but we let him go. A wise person can relate to how the Chargers, back in ’06, sent Brees down south ‘cuz the Bolts didn’t wanna guarantee him a dime after having shoulder surgery that offseason. A smart man will also see that the guy has been worth much more than a dime since then. And what about Phillip Rivers you ask? I’ve always supported Rivers ‘cuz he’s all I got, but that does not mean I ever turned my back on “Hurricane” Drew. I’ve watched him from afar throw touchdown after touchdown wearing gold and black wishing he’d never left San Diego. The only reason I know this is because the Bolts became a true AFC powerhouse the following year, going 14 – 2 and pretty much dominated every team they faced, and Drew stepped up to take his team to the NFC Championship. Despite the fact that we earned a bye that year and were picked to win the Super Bowl, the Bolts succumbed to the New England Patritos exposing an inferior leader at quarterback. These are two signs telling us that success was inevitable had there not been a divorce. I bet Brees watched every second of that game and most of the previous ones wiping his tears with crisp Benjamins. Drew, you would have won that game by two touchdowns because you don’t fear good teams and you don’t look like a teenager when you throw a football. “Cool” Brees would have probably won two titles by now, but I don’t want to act like hindsight’s a bitch. The Chargers have enjoyed playoff football three out of the last four years and have many fingers to point when asking why they haven’t won the whole thing. I spent twenty years(minus my infant years when I am sure I didn’t care) wondering if the Chargers would ever sustain a decent run and it has happened for the most part (no super bowl). As you can see life as a Charger fan is bittersweet. My favorite quarterback is in New Orleans on a team that is pretty good, but my Chargers are already pretty good and just need to act like it. Together they could have been so much. Oh well.

October 15, 2008 Posted by | Sports | , , , , | 2 Comments

Diamonds Are For Suckers…

Diamonds Are For Suckers…
A Girl’s Best Friend Revealed
(Marketing, Economy, Style)

San Francisco, CA, 10/13/08 – First of all, I just want to say, no offense to anyone getting married or anyone who has bought a diamond for themselves or someone else. A diamond’s strength and aesthetic qualities are very impressive, but have you ever thought about the reason why a diamond is the end on and be all when it comes to wedding rings? No? Well maybe that’s because you’re a fucking sucker and will go out and drop two months salary on a little rock just because you think you’re suppose to. Bottom line… it’s marketing at its best. For most of the 20th century, De Beers sold 85% to 90% of the diamonds mined worldwide. With this leverage, it could artificially keep diamond prices stable by matching its supply to world demand. Although, with competition on the rise, the way De Beers did business was simply not viable anymore. In the face of declining market share, De Beers began focusing on adding value to the diamonds already under its dominion through marketing and branding initiatives. In the late nineteen forties, De Beers hired an advertising agency to help increase its sale of diamonds. The agency, N.W. Ayer, developed an extremely successful campaign linking diamonds and romance. The campaign invented the slogan “A Diamond Is Forever,” meaning that a diamond is a never-ending sign of love. It also meant that a diamond would always keep its value. The company continues to use the slogan in its advertising more than fifty years later and reports say it has been used to advertise diamonds in at least twenty-nine languages. The advertising industry also recognized the huge success of the saying. In 2000, Advertising Age magazine named “A Diamond Is Forever” the best advertising slogan of the twentieth century. While De Beers has achieved its stronghold on impressionable fiancés everywhere, they have also indirectly caused the sought-after gemstone to become the driving force behind dictators and revolutionary entities, especially in Africa, using slave labor to mine blood diamonds to fund conflicts. A blood diamond (also called a converted diamond, conflict diamond, hot diamond or a war diamond) refers to a diamond mined in a war zone and sold to finance an insurgency, invading army’s war efforts, or a warlord’s activity. A conflict-free diamond is a diamond whose profits are not used to fund wars and which is produced and mined under ethical conditions. Only diamonds that are certified and can be traced from the mine to the consumer are conflict-free diamonds. However, conflict diamonds are still being sold today into the international diamond market as clean. So when you’re out there at the mall about to throw down some scrill for your girl, remember that while you may be the man of her dreams, you’re also one gullible murderer.

Get Suckered or Go Home…

October 14, 2008 Posted by | Economy, Marketing, Style | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Kerouac, Lopan, Murs and the Wildcat Offense

I love reading Jack Kerouac for the simple reason that he doesn’t use traditional writing methods to convey thoughts. His stream of consciousness style along with the fact that the guys was sober for about 2 hours a day make his books some of the most interesting reads to this day. The beats live on.

The day that I can watch “Big Trouble in Little China” and not want to cruise the alleys of Chinatown looking for the Lords of Death is the day I have lost all reason to live. I still have voices in my head telling me that the Wing Kong Exchange actually exists and that Gracie Law is still in her late twenties looking for David Lopan. It may be true that Chinese black magic does not exist, but in my world, I’d rather believe that it does. Sorcery, magic, and the reality that “his flesh and bones become atomized and he becomes a dream.” That’s what I’m all about.

Murs dropped a great new album called, “Murs for President” and here is my thoughts on it… I think it is pretty much a collection of bangers with a few droplets of pop/mainstream bullshit mixed in. Something I did not realize when purchasing this album, is that Warner Bros. released it, officially dropping Murs from the high ranks of the “Underground” and elevating him to “MTV” status. I really don’t care anymore. I don’t watch MTV and I encourage anybody not to. I also do not talk about the “Underground” scene as anything more than a historic time period where hip hop was celebrated without any outside distractions. These days nobody is truly “Underground”, but they can be “Independent” or “Mainstream” and still be respected by any music lover. The lines have been blurred and so Murs felt the need to make his music more accessible to the world and I will not judge him for it. There was a time when I would get all Lopan on you if you tried to call a hip hop group “underground” when they were on a major label and had a video out. Now a days, I just don’t care.

The stupid “Wildcat” offense that the Miami Dolphins have used to embarrass the two teams that met in last year’s AFC Championship game is actually fun to watch. It just so happens that they made my Chargers look like a bunch of teenage girls at a high school field hockey game and I am not happy about it. I enjoy watching different formations, clever play calls, and unique running plays that catch traditional defenses off guard, but not against my team. The only solace I got from last weekend’s horrendous game in Miami is that Roger Goodell fined Ronnie Brown for orchestrating that stupid “Cupid” dance he performed after scoring off a “Wildcat” run. Whoever thought that dance would be a hit was right I guess, but it looks pretty damn stupid to me.

Renting and venting from the bay where Blue Angels fly and people apparently like to kill themselves.


October 12, 2008 Posted by | Film, Life, Music, Sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments